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The moon is radiating outside my window as I write this. The
window forms one whole wall of the four walls of my little room on campus. The
campus is where I am pursuing my second Masters. The city where this campus is
located in, is called Rotterdam. It is approximately 6372 km away from my home-
Delhi. This home is where I lived for 24 long years. I turned 28, 8 days back. Don’t
think too much on why the numbers don’t add up, because I spent the initial 4
years of my life in Iran where I was born to an Indian doctor couple :-) I was not alone, I
have an elder sister for company since 1989. She means the world to me.
Coming back to my window (after a long detour) , yes,
context setting takes time, so be a little more patient ;)
I am writing almost after a year. When I say writing I mean ‘my
kind of writing’, the one that sets me free. The one that used to be my
meditation and my gateway of expressing myself few years ago but then I
stopped. Why? Because life happened, basically ‘grown up’ life happened. I
started working in October 2012, and thoroughly enjoyed it. It was almost like
a dream job, with the kind of work I liked, around people I liked and I got to
travel more often than not :-) Well, good things do come to an end, let me re-word, not exactly end but there
are speed breakers always in our journeys.
Cut to January 2014, the new year was not that pleasant, as
I lost a dear friend to cancer after her 3 year long battle. It was the first
loss loss for me. I had never faced death of a loved one so closely. I found
myself in an unknown territory, the eternal cheerful me felt trapped where I
could not understand the opposite emotions rushing inside me. Thanks to a
good support system provided by family and friends, I got better. That was my
first story of loss in life!
The rest of the year went by with many happy moments to
cherish. Good work, more travel, love from friends and happy memories. Then
came December. December 7, a Sunday to be precise. Like any other Sunday my dad
was marinating the chicken, preparing lovingly almost like a ritual our Sunday
brunch. He received a call and he immediately had to step out to attend to the
patient in a nearby nursing home. I woke up late as usual, and strolled around
the house to find him gone. After a while of my lazing around, I received a
call from my sister asking me to rush to the nursing home as my dad had
fainted. He suffered from high BP and was a heart patient. I initially thought
it was a similar attack, similar to April 2012 when he had to undergo a heart
surgery. As I ran towards the nursing home which was walking distance from
home, I saw the ambulance and reached it in time to go to the nearest hospital.
What followed was a month and a half of what I will never
forget. The longest yet the shortest month of my life. It was not a heart
attack but a stroke, a case of brain haemorrhage which can happen anytime
really, high BP patients are vulnerable to it. He was in coma for that much
time and we lost him on January 19, 2015. I am not writing the details of that month,
that’s not the point of this blog post. I am still getting to the point of this
post….
So after this happened, no point in stating the obvious, but
this was the second BIG dent in my life’s diary called loss. Losing a parent is
indescribable. I turned 26 without my dad on April first of that year. It was a
strange birthday minus my dad’s excitement and enthusiasm on that day. I guess
2015 really pushed me into growing up, which is not that bad since I found my
innocence still intact, life had still not made me cynical. But I sensed something seriously
changed. I went through periods of highs and lows, like a pendulum I found
myself oscillating between happy and sad moments with such intensity that I was
actually afraid of happiness. I say this because I was afraid what would
follow, without an exception every moment of happiness was followed with a sudden
moment of sadness, darkness and maybe even depression. I still continued and in
between these moments received a great deal of kindness, love and support from
both friends and colleagues. I did laugh, celebrate and had fair share of joyous
moments up until the end of the year. Towards October 2015, I felt terribly
stuck in my life, at work and felt a lot of unrest. I call it the rebellious
period. But you know how I was different from the typical rebel, I dreamed! Yes
to run away from my troubles and stagnancy, I dreamed. I dreamed of going to
the Amazon Forest in the summer of 2016 and I applied to a summer school. I
dreamed of going away from my beloved home town and family for a BREAK year and
I applied for a Masters. The chances of me actually living all this seemed very
dim till January 2016. But soon after,
my ‘healing year’ 2016 began.
Coming more clearly towards the point of this post, thanks
for staying on board till now
I did not stop dreaming even in the darkest most dim and ‘cant
see no light’ periods. I did go to the Amazon in June of 2016 and it was no
ordinary journey. I met the most beautiful people in the most beautiful land,
14,658 km away from home. I experienced almost unreal moments and in-explainable strength with 16 beautiful souls. They triggered a sort of healing
inside me, again cannot be explained in words. And so it began, my healing. I
think it still continues but is getting stronger.
No this blog post is not about my experience there, though
that will make a brilliant post! Before going to the summer school I received a
rejection mail from the scholarship programme I had applied to, for my Masters. So
when I set out for a month long journey to Brazil, I had nothing in my hand. I
was not ready to continue with my job, I had no plan B, and no possibility of
taking up the Masters without any scholarship. When I was 21 days into my
program in the Amazon, I received a news from my sister. Don’t hold your
breath, it was not a bad news! this time :-) it was a good one, it seemed that I was accepted into the same scholarship
program which had previously declined me a spot. I learnt that apparently I was waitlisted and someone somewhere said
No and I got the scholarship place :-) God bless that person…Someone’s loss was my gain. And this became my first ‘gain’
story after a long time. I came back home happily after the program ended and
started preparing for my adventure year ahead
That’s how I landed up in this small little cozy room on campus
(part of my scholarship arrangement) and as I see the third season approaching
from my beloved window, I cant help but feel thankful and grateful. Dreams do
come true. I have seen the leaves fall, the wind grow stronger, the snow fall from this window. But I also saw the leaves come back again, birds back on the branches, chirping happily and waking me up in the morning. Pretty much like my past few years. From the despair of October 2015 to the hope of October 2016, life did change. So be careful of what you ask for, someone is hearing very carefully
and might just grant them. All you need to do is believe. This is the beginning of my 7th month in
this lovely city and the past 6 months were so beautiful, crazy, adventurous,
memorable and blessed (calls for another blog post) that I have to pinch myself
to believe it. As the moon continues to radiate outside my window, I close my
eyes and all that I wrote flashes by my mind in fraction of seconds (but takes
pages to write). I wanted to share these flashes and so I wrote :-)
I am no longer afraid of happy moments and the fear of what will happen next. Materialistic possessions do not hold the same value as before, on my birthday last week, I lost a piece of jewellery. I was sad initially but I said to myself "This is nothing compared to the loss that I have suffered before and I immediately felt better."
If you feel lonely, depressed, sad and TIRED of life,
remember my little story and I hope it makes you a little positive and you don't feel alone. Take a moment, breathe and smile :-) Everything will be
alright, do not ever give up, I repeat, Do not ever give up dreaming. Please do
live each moment to the fullest and hug your loved ones tight and say you love
them more often than not
-- Words from a hopefully wiser 28 year old
When you lose someone dear, you go through trauma, a deep dent. and the time oscillates like a pendulum between happy and sad moments. Remember that its ok and this too will pass. Keep your friends closer in the recovery process.
